Thursday October 1, 2009 - Vol. VIII Issue 10

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JUST A DAY AT HOME

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’

She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?’ ‘Yes,’ was his incredulous reply. She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’

PRIESTS AND GOLF

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polo shirts and khakis and took time to go out to the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

“Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

JEFF FOXWORTHY ON LIVING IN WYOMING: If 'vacation' to you means going shopping for the weekend in Casper or Cheyenne (while the kids swim at the Comfort Inn). If parking your car for the night involves an extension cord. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by. If you're proud that your state makes the national news primarily because it houses the coldest spot in the nation. If you have ever refused to buy something because it's 'too spendy.' If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches. If you know how to correctly pronounce Dubois, Kemmerer, and Fontenelle. If you measure distance in hours. If your family vehicle is a crew cab pickup. If you know several people who more than once, have hit deer with a vehicle. If you often switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again. If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events. If you've installed security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. If the largest traffic jam in your town centers around a high school basketball game. If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Wal-Mart at any given time. If there are more people at work on Christmas Eve than on Opening Day of Deer Season. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. If you can identify a southern or eastern accent. If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your cottonwood. If finding your misplaced car keys involves looking in the ignition. If you find 0 degrees 'a little warm.' If you actually understand these observations, and you forward them to all your Wyoming friends, You must be from Wyoming.

HONORARY DEGREE

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition - I would like to have an honorary degree."

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"

The rich man then added, "An honorary degree for my horse."

"For your horse???"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"But, we can't give a degree to a horse!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another institution."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "let me consult with the school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief, except the oldest trustee. He appeared to be almost asleep.

One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree, no matter HOW much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would make us look ridiculous?"

"Of course not," the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

Nicknames
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

Eating Out
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Arguments
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

PARTY CRASHERS

A party was being held and the hostess was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers.

Then her husband got an idea.

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will everyone from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.

Then he asked, "Will everyone from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty five people stood up.

Then he smiled and said, 'Will everyone who stood, please leave. This is a BIRTHDAY PARTY."

DIAGNOSIS

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

MODERN TRANSLATION

My six-year-old grandson was playing one of his video games while I worked in the kitchen near him.

He asked, "Grandma, what does 'veni, vidi, vici' mean?"

I answered, "It means 'I came, I saw, I conquered.' Why do you ask?"

He said, "It's here on my game."

A short while later I heard him say, "Been there, done that ... What was the third one, Grandma?"