Friday, May 1, 2009 - Vol. VIII Issue 5
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THINGS WE CAN
LEARN FROM A DOG
-Never pass up the
opportunity to go for a joyride.
-All the experience
of fresh air and the wind in your face can be pure ecstasy.
-When loved ones
come home, always run to greet them.
-When it’s in your
best interest, practice obedience.
-Let others know
when they’ve invaded your territory.
-Take naps and
stretch before rising.
-Run, romp and play
daily.
-Eat with gusto and
enthusiasm.
-Be loyal.
-Never pretend to be
something you’re not.
-If what you want
lies buried, dig until you find it.
-When someone is
having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
-Thrive on attention
and let people touch you.
-Avoid biting when a
simple growl will do.
-On hot days, drink
lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
-When you’re happy,
dance around and wag your entire body.
-No matter how often
you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout, run right back and
make friends.
-Delight in the
simple joy of a long walk.
NOT THE SMARTEST
PERSON
Doesn't have all
her cornflakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy
of a full bowl.
One taco short of a
combination plate.
A few feathers
short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off
her cracker.
Body by Fisher,
brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water
out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the
Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect
rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all
his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go
all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her
brain bill.
Her sewing
machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't
pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go
through all the loops.
If she had another
brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few
buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the
silo.
Proof that
evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the
hook.
HYMNS
The minister was
preaching on the evils of drink. He
first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the
river. Then he moved on to beer and
said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river, and then all
other forms of alcohol to be dumped into the river.
The choir
director's face began to show a worried look.
The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was "Shall We Gather At
The River?"
A WYOMING COWBOY
A Wyoming cowboy
was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young
man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out
the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and
calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at
the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly
answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks
his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer connects it to his Cingular RAZR
V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a
GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he
then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young
man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.
Finally, he prints
out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586
cows and calves."
"That's
right. Well, I guess you can take one
of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the
young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs
it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy
says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man
thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a
Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie,
"but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing
required." answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than
me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a flock of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.”
COMPUTER GAMES
When I was managing
an office, I instituted a rule that there would be no playing games on our
computers. So I wouldn't be a
hypocrite, I had a computer specialist get rid of the games on my laptop along
with all the others in the office.
Therefore, I was surprised to find my grandson playing Solitaire on it
one weekend. I asked if he had loaded
the game.
"No," he
answered, "it was already there.
It was just hidden - taken off the Main Menu."
On Monday, I chided
the computer specialist for not getting rid of the game.
"But," he
explained, "I thought I just had to keep it away from ‘you’ - not from a
nine year-old."
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
To pass the time
while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game
with the passengers. They asked us to
guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.
After an attendant
collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have
prizes. And for the passenger in seat
12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."
TOP TEN OF THE SILLIEST QUESTIONS
ASKED BY CRUISE SHIP PASSENGERS(by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for Royal Caribbean Cruise Line)
10 - Do these steps
go up or down?
9 - What do you do with the beautiful ice
carvings after they melt?
8 - Which elevator do I take to get to the
front of the ship?
7 - Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6 - Is this island completely surrounded by
water?
5 - Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3 - What elevation are we at?
2 - There's a photographer on board who takes
photos and displays them the next day.
The question asked, “If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know
which ones are mine?
1 - What time is the Midnight Buffet being
served?
FUNERAL WEATHER
As with many
funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a
little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor
husband. The graveside service had no
more than terminated, when there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied
by a distant lightning bolt.
The little old man
looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
SPEEDING TICKET
A lady who was
speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon
as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to
her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat
belt. Do you believe in wearing it at
all times?"
"Yes, I do,
officer," she replied.
"Well,"
asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your
steering wheel?"
PERSONAL INJURY LAWYER
I was taking the
train to go visit a personal injury lawyer.
I called them and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train
station to your office?"
"When you get
to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start yelling,
someone from our office will be along shortly."
COMPANY SLOGANS
A class professor
was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they
were familiar with them.
"Joe," he
asked, "which company has the slogan, FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES?"
Joe answered the
correct airline.
"Brenda, can
you tell me which company has the slogan, DON'T LEAVE
HOME WITHOUT IT?"
Brenda answered the
correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now John,
tell me which company bears the slogan, JUST DO IT?"
And John answered,
"Mom."
BEST ROOM IN THE HOTEL?
The drunk staggered
up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed.
"But
sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on
another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good,
sir. I`ll change you from 502 to
555. Would you mind telling me why you
don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one
thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
KIDS
Give me
a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
A small
boy wrote: "The fireman came down
the ladder pregnant."
The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy
confidently.
"It
means carrying a child."
A
grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning.
He had
made her coffee. She drank what was the
worst cup of coffee in her life.
When
she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the
cup.
She
said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her
grandson answered, "Grandma, it says on TV, “The best part of waking up is
soldiers in your cup !"
Susie
Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible
stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy's
picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story
it was meant to represent. "The
flight to Egypt," said Jimmy.
"I
see . . . and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Susie
said. "But who's the fourth
person?"
"Oh,
that's Pontius the Pilot."
An
exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked
him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"
A
nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting
in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The
children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They
use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's
just for good luck." A third child
brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrant."
Little
Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he
asked. "To make myself
beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little
Johnny.
"Giving
up?"
DIET WORKSHOP
Everyone had
weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic
- the problems of dining out. She
talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and
having meat broiled instead of fried.
Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter
when going out to eat?"
Replied one woman
quickly, "Running into you!"
JURY DUTY
I was on a panel
for prospective jury duty. The first
lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.
After several
questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence.
Before the pause became
too long, the judge announced, "I do."
CURTAIN RODS
After 17 years of
marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted
to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers
were a little better, he prevailed. He
gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the first
day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day,
she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day,
she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by
candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on several pounds
of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had
finished, she went into each and every room and deposited half-eaten shrimp
shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband
returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried
everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and
carpets were steam cleaned. Air
fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace
the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked.
People stopped
coming over to visit. Repairmen refused
to work in the house. The maid
quit. Finally, they could not take the
stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even
though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their
stinky house. Word got out, and
eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had
to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how
things were going.
He told her the
saga of the rotting house. She listened
politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing
to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife
had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th
of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that
very day. She agreed, and within the
hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the
man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company
pack everything to take to their new home including the curtain rods.
PANTY HOSE
A little boy went
to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the
things she had purchased. He found a
package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and
exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"
AUTO REPAIRS
An auto mechanic
received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going
around corners.
He took the car out
for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.
Back at the shop,
he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
95th BIRTHDAY
"Look at
ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups,
fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm
fit as a fiddle! And you want to know
why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I
don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"
He smiled at them,
teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my
95th birthday!"
"Oh,
really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?”
NOT FEELING WELL
A man goes to the
doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says,
"Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water
after lunch. Then just before going to
bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put
on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my
problem?"
Doctor says,
"You're not drinking enough water."
YOUNG WRITER
A 3-year-old was
diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it
about?" he asked.
"I don't
know," she replied, "I can't read."
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1 - If
you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your
throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2 -
Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while
you chop.
3 -
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4 - For
high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.
5 - A
mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling
over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6 - If
you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid
to cough.
7 - You
only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.
8.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until
you get to know them.
OKRA
Everything you
always suspected but could never get confirmed by a reputable news source.
"The Shocking Truth About Okra!"
©1987, 2007 by Joe Hickman, editor and Doctor of Okra
It is a well-known
fact that common garden insects will NOT eat okra. Neither will uncommon garden insects. That should tell you something.
Some say okra is a
vegetable; others say it's a fruit.
Most people can't recall ever having said anything at all about
okra. Except possibly, "Are those
legless geckos sleeping near my mashed potatoes?"
Even people who
don't eat okra may find it useful for example, as a green plumb bob for a
vegetarian architect.
A pod of okra on a
gold chain makes an excellent conversation piece. You can tell everyone that it's an Elk's tooth with plaque.
Okra can be boiled,
fried, steamed, or pickled. But no
matter what you do to it, it still tastes exactly like okra.
Remember, boiled
okra is so slippery, you may think you're swallowing little green oysters.
Consuming fried
okra north of the Mason-Dixon line is considered gastric perversion and may
lead close friends to refer to you as "magnolia breath."
You campers will be
happy to hear that dried okra makes great bio-degradable tent stakes.
Please beware of
the Great Okra Swindle. Certain
unethical supermarkets are painting okra yellow and attempting to sell it as
miniature Peruvian bananas. You can
sure tell the difference in a banana pudding.
For the curious, a
picture of Okra can be found at this address:
http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/babyokra(bhindi).htm
VOLUNTEER
FIREFIGHTER
Sitting at the
kitchen table after dinner one night, my son-in-law was telling us that he'd
finished his training for volunteer firefighting and was showing us his
beeper. As he spoke, the beeper let out
a shrill "there's a fire" message.
Bryan nearly jumped over the table getting to the door. We watched him as he raced for the car and
sped up the block to the fire hall.
"It's
wonderful to know our firemen are trained to respond instantly," I said to
my daughter. "I didn't know Bryan could move so fast."
"I hate to
burst your bubble, Mom," she replied, "but the first guy there gets
to drive the truck."
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
Now,
get back to work!