Monday June 30, 2008 - Vol. VII Issue 5

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"SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE ALASKAN"

1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60 degrees a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.
 
SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE ALASKAN, PART 2
1. Going to the store for milk can be life threatening.
2. Your town has no stray animals.
3. Most dogs in your area have a job in transportation.
4. You have a good supply of arctic wear AND mosquito repellant.
5. The schools or businesses don't give "Snow Days".
6. You have more problems with moose eating your bushes than with grasshoppers or beetles.
7. You have to plug in your car even though it isn't electric.
8. The Halloween pumpkin you carved in October doesn't go bad until April or May.
Louisa said that the jack-0-lanterns don't last til spring because the moose come up on the porch in November and eat them.
9. Short sleeves are considered appropriate wear in any temperature that doesn't have a - (minus) in front of it.
That's for sure. When I was in Kodiak, 40 degrees (F) was considered warm enough for a bathing suit.
10. Living in the "boonies" or "out in the country" has a whole different meaning than in the Lower 48.
11. You sometimes have to wait for the bear to leave the yard before you can come in from the bathroom.
Carolyn says that this actually happened to a friend of hers.

The two most common questions were to identify Sorels and Zamboni.
Sorels are warm, winter boots, considered by some to be "the best cold-weather boots in the world." They are manufactured by Kaufman Footwear, a Canadian company.
A Zamboni is a machine for resurfacing ice. Frank J. Zamboni (1901-1988) invented the first ice resurfacing machine in the early 1940's. The machines still carry his name to this day. The "Zamboni" has had a tremendous impact on skating and ice sports throughout the world.
 
SOUTHERNESE
Yorta have a lookit thisun: Yankee's guide to "Southernese". If you do not understand any of them, contact a Southerner for an explanation.

FOAL: Not a baby horse. This is flexible aluminum for baking.
Usage: "I put the taters in foal, afore I baked um."

HEIDI: (noun) Greeting.

HIRE YEW: (complete sentence) Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD: (verb) Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH: (noun) The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER: (noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Muntgumry.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer."

MUNTS: (noun) A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

COLE DRANK: (adjective/noun) A chilled beverage, typically soda.

THANK: (verb) Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have me a cole drank."

RANCH: (noun) A tool used for tightnin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL: (noun) A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR: (noun) A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR: (noun) A rubber wheel.
Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE: (noun) A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."

RETARD: (verb) To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FARN: (adjective) Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed; must be from some farn country."

DID: (adjective) Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

ARE: (noun) A colorless, odorless gas; oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe; give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR: (noun) A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
 
WINTER PARKING
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
 
ORDER-IN-THE-COURT
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh... I was getting laid!


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh.... are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 
SIX AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest sci-fi epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened and she said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
 
DRESSED ALIKE
I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."
 
WALMART GREETER
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"
 
MONKEY TROUBLE
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.
 
BLIND AS A COP
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
 
THE VOLUNTEERS
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.

The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"

 
YOU MIGHT BE IN A REDNECK VOLUNTEER FIRE DEPARTMENT IF....

1.Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.
2.You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
3.Your firehouse has wheels.
4.You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse. 
5.You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.
6.At least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.
7.Your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.
8.You don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
9.You've ever walked through a Christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
10.Your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
11.Your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
12.Your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
13.Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
14.The local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarrassed them last time.
15.You've ever referred to a light bar as sexy.
16.Your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
17.You've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
18.Your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
19.Your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
20.The only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night
 
FAMILY VACATION
Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter perked up. "Is it dark yet?"
 
NEW APARTMENT
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
 
LOST WALLET
While shopping in a supermarket I heard the following over the PA system:

"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no ID. Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer service counter?"
 
BLIND DATE
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
 
ANSWERING MACHINE
"Thank you for calling Adventures in Telephoning Unlimited. If you wish to leave a message for Carol, please press 1. If you wish to leave a message for Marge, please press 2. If it's Kristin you're calling, please press 3. If none of these names make any sense to you, you've probably called the wrong number. In that case, please press 4 and leave a message for Nick, he's feeling ignored."
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