Thursday July 31, 2008 - Vol. VII Issue 6

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We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head and smiled.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped the car in front, then backed up and hit the car behind her. This went on about two minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"
Our boss told us that a salary raise is planned. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"

The boss answered, "As soon as you do."
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and its today.”

The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.

The woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to by you a drink, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender I want a Scotch with two drop of water. “Coming up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says “ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water; however, is a whole other issue.’

Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going braless pulls all the winkles out of your face.

You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

“Getting a little action,” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.

“Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

An “all nighter” means not getting up to use the bathroom.
An office technician got a call from a computer user. The customer told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door with the electrical cord in her right hand.
A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school. A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

"Cartwheels," Gregory answered.
My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15 year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up.

After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and said, "Your father wants to know if you have any cute nurses."

The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous!"
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for.

As an example, if you have some money left in your bank account after paying your taxes. That's a red flag.
A husband came home from work one evening. He walked in the house and saw his wife sitting on the couch watching TV. She told him she was having trouble with her car.

"My car won't start," she said. "But I know what the problem is."

"OK, What's the problem?" the husband asked.

"There's water in the carburetor," she replied.

"Come on, honey," the husband said. "You don't know how a car works, much less what the parts look like, so how can you tell me there's water in the carburetor?"

"There's definitely water in the carburetor," the wife insisted.

"OK," the husband said. "I'll go take a look. Where is it?"

The wife said, "In the lake."
British Speed Trap 
Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

"Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day..."
At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking there."
My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."
I knew that as I was getting older, I was finally able to admit that certain things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this memory "slippage", I went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.

After an hour I slipped out. I took the same course, given by the same professor, last year.
Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say, 'Idiot!' afterwards."



Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
How to fill ice cube trays. Step-by-step guide with slide presentation

Toilet rolls - do they grow on the holders?  Round table discussion

The differences between laundry basket & floor. Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

Dishes & silverware - do they levitate/fly to kitchen sink or dishwasher by themselves?  Debate among a panel of experts

Remote control. Losing the remote control. Help line and support groups

Learning how to find things. Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Also an open forum
Empty milk cartons - do they belong in the fridge or the bin? Group discussion and role-playing

Health watch - bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. PowerPoint presentation

Real men ask for directions when lost.  Real life testimonial from the one man who did.

Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation

Living with adults - basic differences between your mother and your spouse. Online class and role playing

How to be the ideal shopping companion.  Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

Remembering important dates & calling when you're going to be late.  Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

Getting over it.  Learning how to live with being wrong all the time
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.

"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"

My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other cosmetics.

At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
Phrases and their definitions straight from a real live cowboy...

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.
(Not overly intelligent)

All hat, no cattle.
(All talk and no action)

We've howdied but we ain't shook yet.
(We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced)

He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
(Talks a lot)

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.
(Not the most handsome of men)

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
(Prone to boasting)

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.
(You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is)
Guess which of the following statements are True or False?

(Answers below but no peeking!)

1 - Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2 - Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.

3 - A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

4 - People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5 - When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6 - Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7 - 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9 - The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10 - The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11 - The average housefly lives for one month.

12 - 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13 - A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14 - The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15 - Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

16 - Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17 - The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water.

18 - The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot.

19 - John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20 - Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21 - In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk.

22 - Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23 - The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24 - Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

25 - Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26 - If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green.



Don't you just love number 16?
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
(Unique up on it.)

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
(Tame way, unique up on it.)

How do crazy people go through the forest?
(They take the psycho path.)

How do you get holy water?
(You boil the hell out of it.)

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
(A stick)

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
(Nacho cheese)

What do you call Santa’s Helpers?
(Subordinate clauses)

What do you call four Bullfighters in quicksand?
(Quattro Sinko)

What do you get from a pampered cow?
(Spoiled milk)

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
(a nervous wreck)

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
(Anyone can roast beef)

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
(Right where you left him)

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
(Because they have big fingers)

Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
(Because it scares the dog)

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Why did pilgrim’s pants always fall down?
(Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat)

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
(A bad golfer goes, whack, dang! A bad skydiver goes dang! whack)
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