Thursday January 31, 2008 - Vol. VII Issue 1

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THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG

-Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
-All the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face can be pure ecstasy.
-When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
-When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.
-Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
-Take naps and stretch before rising.
-Run, romp and play daily.
-Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
-Be loyal.
-Never pretend to be something you’re not.
-If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
-When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
-Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
-Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
-On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
-When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
-No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make  friends.
-Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.


NOT THE SMARTEST PERSON


Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay her brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.


HYMNS


The minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river, and then all other forms of alcohol to be dumped into the river.

The choir director's face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was "Shall We Gather At The River?"


A WYOMING COWBOY


A Wyoming cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”


COMPUTER GAMES

When I was managing an office, I instituted a rule that there would be no playing games on our computers. So I wouldn't be a hypocrite, I had a computer specialist get rid of the games on my laptop along with all the others in the office. Therefore, I was surprised to find my grandson playing Solitaire on it one weekend. I asked if he had loaded the game.

"No," he answered, "it was already there. It was just hidden - taken off the Main Menu."

On Monday, I chided the computer specialist for not getting rid of the game.

"But," he explained, "I thought I just had to keep it away from ‘you’ - not from a nine year-old."


EMPLOYMENT HISTORY

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."


TOP TEN OF THE SILLIEST QUESTIONS ASKED BY CRUISE SHIP PASSENGERS
(by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for Royal Caribbean Cruise Line)

10 - Do these steps go up or down?

9 - What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

8 - Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

7 - Does the crew sleep on the ship?

6 - Is this island completely surrounded by water?

5 - Does the ship make its own electricity?

4. Is it salt water in the toilets?

3 - What elevation are we at?

2 - There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day. The question asked, “If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

1 - What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?


FUNERAL WEATHER

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.

The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. The graveside service had no more than terminated, when there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."


SPEEDING TICKET

A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"


PERSONAL INJURY LAWYER

I was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. I called them and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to your office?"

"When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start yelling, someone from our office will be along shortly."


COMPANY SLOGANS

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, DON'T LEAVE
HOME WITHOUT IT?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, tell me which company bears the slogan, JUST DO IT?"

And John answered, "Mom."


BEST ROOM IN THE HOTEL?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."


KIDS

Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

A small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently.

"It means carrying a child."


A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning.

He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.

When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.

She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, it says on TV, “The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup !"


Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Jimmy.

"I see . . . and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Susie said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot."


An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"


A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny.

"Giving up?"


DIET WORKSHOP

Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"

Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"


JURY DUTY

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.

After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence.

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."


CURTAIN RODS

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on several pounds of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home including the curtain rods.


PANTY HOSE

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"


AUTO REPAIRS

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."


95th BIRTHDAY


"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?”


NOT FEELING WELL

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."


YOUNG WRITER

A 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."


AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1 - If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2 - Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3 - Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4 - For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5 - A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6 - If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7 - You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


OKRA

Everything you always suspected but could never get confirmed by a reputable news source.

"The Shocking Truth About Okra!"
©1987, 2007 by Joe Hickman, editor and Doctor of Okra

It is a well-known fact that common garden insects will NOT eat okra. Neither will uncommon garden insects. That should tell you something.

Some say okra is a vegetable; others say it's a fruit. Most people can't recall ever having said anything at all about okra. Except possibly, "Are those legless geckos sleeping near my mashed potatoes?"

Even people who don't eat okra may find it useful for example, as a green plumb bob for a vegetarian architect.

A pod of okra on a gold chain makes an excellent conversation piece. You can tell everyone that it's an Elk's tooth with plaque.

Okra can be boiled, fried, steamed, or pickled. But no matter what you do to it, it still tastes exactly like okra.

Remember, boiled okra is so slippery, you may think you're swallowing little green oysters.

Consuming fried okra north of the Mason-Dixon line is considered gastric perversion and may lead close friends to refer to you as "magnolia breath."

You campers will be happy to hear that dried okra makes great bio-degradable tent stakes.

Please beware of the Great Okra Swindle. Certain unethical supermarkets are painting okra yellow and attempting to sell it as miniature Peruvian bananas. You can sure tell the difference in a banana pudding.

For the curious, a picture of Okra can be found at this address:
http://www.fruits-vegetables-spices.com/babyokra(bhindi).htm  


VOLUNTEER FIREFIGHTER

Sitting at the kitchen table after dinner one night, my son-in-law was telling us that he'd finished his training for volunteer firefighting and was showing us his beeper. As he spoke, the beeper let out a shrill "there's a fire" message. Bryan nearly jumped over the table getting to the door. We watched him as he raced for the car and sped up the block to the fire hall.

"It's wonderful to know our firemen are trained to respond instantly," I said to my daughter. "I didn't know Bryan could move so fast."

"I hate to burst your bubble, Mom," she replied, "but the first guy there gets to drive the truck."


Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

Now, get back to work!
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