A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food
restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No
bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked,
"Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here.
Last summer my wife and I met a couple who were friends
of my wife at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go shopping, and
I invited the man to go sailing.
While we were out on the water, a storm blew up. The
tide had gone out, and we were down wind trying to work our way back through a
narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard
and shove with all our might to get it back in deep water.
As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the
wind blowing his hair wildly, and rain streaming down his face, he grinned at
me, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping."
On a busy Medical/Surgical floor, the doctor stops the
nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow
physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he
will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
The doctor then began listing orders: "You must
give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a
second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills
at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight
hours. he must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every
twenty-five minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for
fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the
rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a
back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be
cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital
signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or
his injury will not heal properly, and he will not be able to play golf
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's
room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All
asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started,
"The doctor said that you will live."
Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added,
"But you will have to learn a new sport."
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and
isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow *your* tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls
the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
WHY ARE WE HERE?
On a beautiful summer's day, a father and his
eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the riverbank, looking up at the
sky and watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.
After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the
father and asked, "Dad, why are we here?"
"That's a good question, Son. I think we're here to
enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of
the sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of
the water. We're here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our
wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements
and learn from our mistakes. We're here to savor the small triumphs of life -
passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, promotion
at work, a win for the home team! And we're here to comfort those dearest to us
in times of distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength,
to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not
alone. Does that answer your question, Son?"
"Not really, Dad."
"No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said
to pick her up forty minutes ago?"
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently
celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had
paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.
We were discussing our sad financial situation one
evening when our son demanded a diaper change.
As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her
mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
After I became a widow I began thinking about my own
mortality. One day my daughter called home from college and I announced to her,
"I think it's time for us to talk about where I would like to be
"It's way too soon to even think of anything like
that," she snapped indignantly.
Then there was a brief silence.
"Wait a minute," she said, "did you say
married or buried?"
"I said buried."
"Oh, okay, sure."
Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift.
As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie
tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away. Ever gracious
and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: "Thank you very
much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our
You can't put plastic in the dishwasher, metal in the
microwave or utensils in the garbage disposal. There are so many rules in the
kitchen that it's just safer to eat out.
GIFTS FOR HIM
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his
car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang
from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything
with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are
you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" No one knows why.
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not
matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. Again, no
one knows why.
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never
buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he
wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones
they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV
with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and
flips, and flips.
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do,
it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of
after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless
drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.
"Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea.
No one knows why.
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always
have parts left over.
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works,
Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.
NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh?
Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane?
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they
will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell
him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he
will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century
Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a
chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens
when he gets a label maker.
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an
aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an
extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy
origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of
3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting
and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game.
We eat so much wild game, in fact, that one evening as I set
a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old
daughter looked up and said:
"Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the
We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my
5-year-old daughter Rachel, seemed to be struggling with it a little bit. I
said "Rachel, eat it like a typewriter".
She looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said
"Mommy, what's a typewriter?"