Monday March 1, 2010 - Vol. IX Issue 3

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REAL PRODUCTS - REAL LABELS

On a lawnmower:
"Warning: When motor is running - the blade is turning!"

Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle:
"Do not open here."

On a bottle of spray paint:
"Do not spray in your face."

On a bottle of bathtub cleaner:
“For best results, start with a clean bathtub before use."

On a can of powdered infant formula:
"Mix with water before serving."

Found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner:
"Safe for carpets, too!"

Warning on a curling iron:
"Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice."

On a plastic orange juice can:
"100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate."

On the label of a Sterno candle fuel:
"Do not use near fire or flame."

Seen on a container of salt:
"Warning: High in sodium.

On a baby stroller:
"Remove child before folding."

DOCTOR! DOCTOR!

A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

Didn't you say he was 13?"


BEST ABOUT ME?

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me.

"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect?"

She replied, "Oh, it's your sense of humor, dear."

CAKE QUESTION

While working at Baskin-Robbins, I helped a woman, who was full of questions about the flavors and types available, pick out an ice-cream cake.

As I was boxing it up for her, she had one last question:

"How long do I bake this?"

DIMINUTIVE

Frustrated at my attempts to find something suitable for my diminutive daughter to wear that didn't look like something for a child, I approached a rather harried-looking saleswoman.

"What do you have for a petite woman about five feet tall, around 95 to 100 pounds?" I asked.

The short, pleasantly plump clerk looked at me with a rueful smile. "Nothing but contempt," she said.

SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE

A husband and wife were getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know, dear,” she says “I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, “I’ve got fat legs, and my arms are flabby.” She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in soft, thoughtful voice, “Well there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm’s Memorial chapel.

WAR AND PEACE

The teacher had just finished a dissertation on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, all hands went up.

The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"

Tony raised his hand.

"Tony?" the teacher said.

"I hate war," Tony said, "because wars make history, and then some poor, innocent kid has to memorize it all."

THE SPEAKER

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.

Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."

TRUTH

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

FOOTBALL POOL

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won one million dollars on the football pools. Her family was extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

"I think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news," suggested the eldest son.

The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.

"Now, you don't have to worry about anything," said the doctor. "I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me."

The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million dollars?"

"Why," replied the old lady, "I'd give half of it to you, of course."

The doctor fell down dead from shock.

ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR

An absent-minded professor was on board a train and he was unable to find his ticket.

The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket.

The conductor said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

A SOLDIER, A MARINE, AND AN AIRMAN

A soldier, a marine, and an airman got into a fight about which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they killed each other.

Soon, they found themselves in Heaven. They see St. Peter walk by and ask,” which Branch of Service is the best?

St. Peter replied, I can’t answer that, but, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him.
Sometime later, the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find the answer.
Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter’s shoulder. The dove was carrying a note in its beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows: Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are Honorable and Noble. Each one of you has served your country well. Be proud of that.

(signed)
GOD, USN (Ret.)

THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY!

In New York City last week a taxi clipped a red Beetle while veering across four lanes of traffic to pick-up a fare. The two drivers got out to examine the damage the cabbie who was a short man, of Middle Eastern origin, had done.

The Beetle driver was a giant of a hulking man.

As the cabbie approached, the Beetle driver grabbed him by the shirt and hoisted him off the ground. There, at eye level with the cabbie’s feet dangling in the air, the Beetle owner began screaming, every third sentence being, “This is your lucky day!”

Eventually, the cabbie was lowered back to terra firma, but, then, the Beetle guy asked, “Don’t you want to know why this is your lucky day?” He then proceeded to answer his own question.
“Because I’m on my way to anger management class and I don’t dare show-up with blood on my shirt!”

SENILITY PRAYER

For those of us who are getting a little older:

God grant me the senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.

THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60, now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks, haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, “'Well, she looks good doesn't she.”

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

HOW TO BUILD A CAMPFIRE

1 - Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2 - Bandage left thumb.
3 - Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4 - Bandage left foot.
5 - Make a structure of slivers (including those embedded in the hand).
6 - Light match.
7 - Repeat "A Scout is cheerful" and light match.
8 - Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.
9 - Apply burn ointment to nose.
10 - When fire is burning, collect more wood.
11 - When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
12 - After thunderstorm has passed, repeat the above steps.

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