Tuesday December 1, 2009 - Vol. VIII Issue 12

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THE PRIEST'S COLLAR

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the pre-school wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria.

One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a Band Aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

COMMENTS MADE IN THE YEAR 1955!

I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00

Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.

If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter.

If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.

I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in “Gone With the Wind.” It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.

I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress.

The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

There is no sense in going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it’s too rich for my blood.

If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it.

WIGGINS

Short and baby-faced, my buddy Wiggins had trouble being taken seriously in the Army. A mustache, he assumed, would fix that. He was wrong.

"Wiggins!" bellowed our drill instructor after spotting the growth during inspection. "What's so special about your nose that it's got to be underlined?"

OLD VETERAN

When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent. It took a while before I understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a World War II veteran, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where he'd be eligible for benefits.

The next day, my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting nurse: "Right war, wrong side."

THE NECKLACE

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

LAWYERS

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: “Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?”

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

COMPUTER NERDS

Over the years I have heard my share of strange questions and silly comments from people who call the computer software company where I work as a tech support telephone operator. But one day I realized how absurd things can sound on the other end of the line when I heard myself say to one caller, "Yes, sir, you must first upgrade your download software in order to download our upgrade software."

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people Live well, laugh often, love much!!!


THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'You might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.

A GREAT WAY TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET!!!

Great Directions here for a real clean toilet!!! Easy too!!!!

1 - Lift both lids on your toilet bowl and add a couple of capfuls of shampoo to the water.

2 - Go to the other room where the cat is sleeping, pick it up and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

3 - In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (You may need to stand on the lid, afterwards). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

4 - Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”)

5 - Have someone open the closest door to the outside. (Be sure that no one is between the toilet and the outside door.)

6 - Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself. After this procedure, both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

CAR GPS

Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store.

While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, "Lost satellite contact."

I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, "Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."

MOM’S LETTER TO SANTA

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours always.....
Mom

PS: One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

SANTA’S LAP

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

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