Saturday August 1, 2009 - Vol. VIII Issue 8

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ALASKAN HOUSEWIVES

A group of Alaskan housewives had gotten together for morning coffee and, since several were pregnant, the talk drifted to babies and doctors.

One of the women announced that she was now going to a woman doctor.

"At least," she said, "I'll be able to depend on my doctor being around during moose season!"

CHAT ROOM

I'd always been apprehensive about joining a chat room for fear I'd do something wrong. One day after my son, Sean, had gotten off the computer, I logged on to the Internet to play a game. Suddenly a screen popped up saying, "Your friend is online." Apparently Sean had forgotten to sign off, and I took the opportunity to chat with someone I probably knew.

Sean's friend assumed he was still chatting with Sean, and I was having fun with the situation. After a few minutes, however, Sean's friend typed: "Who is this?"

"Why do you ask that?" I responded.

The reply came across the screen: "Because Sean doesn't spell that good."

THE CARPENTER'S TESTIMONY

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me, so I measured it!"

WATER IN THE GLASS

A well-known proverb states that an optimist would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colorless, odorless liquid, the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 WHEN....

1.You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4.You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6.You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7.Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8.Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10.You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :

12.You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13.Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14.You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15.You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

JUMP SCHOOL

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."

"What else," I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.

"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" I asked.

"The third week, the fools jump."

GOD AND THE BIKER

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'.

The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

ENCYCLOPEDIA

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"

BLONDES

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this, Buy a ticket!"

RETURN TO SENDER



A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

"TAKE YOUR KIDS TO WORK" DAY



I'd like to know who came up with "Take Your Kids to Work Day."

Is this really necessary? Aren't we already surrounded by immature people who need constant supervision?

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN ...

NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

POLICE # 1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!

BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear? 'With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.

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