NOAH’S ARK – A MODERN
And the lord
spoke to Noah and said: “In six months I’m going to make
it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and
all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a
good people, and two of every kind of living thing on
the planet. I am ordering you to build and Ark,” said
And in a
flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for
Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the
blueprints. “Six months, and it starts to rain,”
thundered the Lord. “You’d better have the Ark
completed, or learn how to swim for a very long
began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw
that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And
there was no Ark.
shouted the Lord, “where is my Ark?” A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground next to Noah, for
please forgive me,” begged Noah. “I did my best. But
there were big problems. First I had to get a building
permit for the Ark construction project, and the plans
didn’t meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw
the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or
not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors
objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the
Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from
the city planning commission.
Then I had a
big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting tree to save the Spotted
carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had
to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a
hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boar, and
still no owls.
started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an
animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two
of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA
notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without
filing and environmental impact statement on your
Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe.
And the IRS
(The tax authorities) has seized all my assets claiming
I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country,
and I just got a notice from the state about owing some
kind of use tax.
don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another
five years,” Noah wailed.
began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean
you’re not going to destroy the Earth?” Noah asked,
thundered the Lord. I fully intend to smite the Earth,
but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man
that?” Asked Noah
There was a
long pause, and then the Lord spoke:
PREPARATION FOR PARENTHOOD
for parenthood is not just a matter or reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for
expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the
real-life experience of being a mother or father.
prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick
a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months, take out 10% of the bens.
prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head
office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the
finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods
of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low
tolerance levels and how they have allowed their
children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training,
table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – It’ll be
the last time in your life that you will have all of the
how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from
5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately
8-12 lbs. at 10PM put the bag down, set the alarm for
midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around
the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM. Put the
alarm on for 3AM. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up
at 2AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45AM. Get up
again at 3AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the
dark until 4AM. Put the alarm on for 5AM. Get up. Make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look
stand the mess Children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a
fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer. Stick you fingers in the flowerbeds then rub
them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
How does that look?
small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus
into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this – all morning.
Take an egg
carton using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube.
Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil turn it into
a Christmas three. Last, take a milk container, a
ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and
make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on
the playgroup committee.
Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don’t think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and
put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a
quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down
the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of
the car. - There!, Perfect!
Get ready to
go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go
out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it.
Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5
minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt,
piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insects
along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve
had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come
out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child
for a walk.
repeat everything you say at least five times.
Go to your
local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is
excellent. If you intend to have more than one child,
take more that one goat. Buy your week’s groceries
without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can
easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having
Hollow out a
melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a
bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into
the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the
rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls
on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old
names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find
yourself singing, “I love you, you love me” at work,
now!, you finally qualify as a
PLAYING GOLF WITH THE
Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses
pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball
landed on the fairway, but rolled directly toward a
water hazard. Quickly Moses raise his club, the water
parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and
strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the
center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the
ball onto the green.
guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out
over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby
street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree.
From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by
and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout,
out onto the fairway and straight toward the
aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball
hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto lily
pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large
bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball
into his mouth. Just then an eagle swooped down and
grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the
green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the
ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in
to Jesus and said, “I hate paying with your Dad.”
SUBJECT: MEN VS. WOMEN
Some "wise" words passed on to me
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and
Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
2. EATING OUT
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out,
they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris,
Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's
only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out
come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item
that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
A man has five items in his bathroom:
a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a
towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the
typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able
to identify most of these items.
A woman has the last word in any
Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when
women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future
until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can
find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he
will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that
she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping,
water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone,
read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and
Men wake up as good-looking as they
went to bed. p class=MsoNormal
style='text-autospace:none'>Women somehow deteriorate
during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about
her children. She knows about dentist appointments and
romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and
hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his
mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
The next time you are washing your
hands and complain because the water temperature isn't
just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Most people got married in June
because they took their yearly bath in May and still
smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting
to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide
the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a
bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled
with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege
of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and
men, then the women and finally the children-last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick
straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the
only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs,
cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the
roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes
the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the
saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from
falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the
bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess
up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and
a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy
had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt
The wealthy had slate floors that
would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they
spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more
thresh until when you opened the door it would all start
slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the
entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the
kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the
fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to
the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in
it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the
rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork,
which made them feel quite special. When visitors came
over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was
a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the
bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of
pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the
lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for
the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered
Bread was divided according to
status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the
family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper
Lead cups were used to drink ale or
whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out
for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road
would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the
custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the
local folks started running out of places to bury
people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When
reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found
to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive. So they thought they
would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it
through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it
to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen
for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell"
or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth...
Now, whoever said that History was
boring ! ! ! ! !